In Kevin’s words, “Pay for what we can’t do ourselves.” Although
I firmly believe Kevin can do anything he puts his mind to, since this is
completely out of our wheelhouse we went with the Gold package, which is the
most expensive but also gives the most support, especially in finding a bio-mom
in need.
We also learned about the financial aspects of this process,
but I’ll do a whole post on that, but spoiler alert it’s EXPENSIVE.
We talked through the next step in the process, we will have
another class (which we thought was going to be in January, but is going to be
Dec 6 YIKES!) To help prep for our home visit. When we talk about a home visit,
yes this is a legal thing that must be done, but it is also more of an ongoing conversation
about the adoption and how a new baby will fit into our home. So, the home
study will likely happen in January.
After the home study it will be 4-6 weeks until we’re “Active.”
That means that our profile is being shown to mothers who contact ASC or who
are in the hospital delivering and have not yet contacted an agency (these are “Drop-in”
adoptions). Once a mom chooses us, then we can meet with her (if we both
choose) and prepare for the due date. Nothing is final however until the baby
is born and the mother can back out at any time.
Things to consider: Race, drug usage by the mother,
pre-maturity, openness of the adoption, bio-father risk.
Race and drug usage: These go together because they do… the
fact is that in Indiana, if you want an Caucasian baby, the mother will likely
be using drugs, there is a much lower % of drug use amongst Black and Latino
mothers. So, mostly we talk about one or
the other, or both/either.
Pre-maturity and other health risk are something to talk
about. Alcohol is treated different than drugs, partly because you can’t test
for it and partly because it has much more damaging effects (in general), and
in general a Fetal Alcohol Syndrome baby is a special case with this agency.
All of this including drug usage is grounds for a meeting with our pediatrician
to talk through their recommendations. (speaking of, I need to schedule that).
Openness of the adoption: Adoptions that are legally closed
are becoming rarer. A legally closed adoption, means the adoptive parents and
bio-parents never meet and the records are sealed. An “open adoption” legally
just means that the parents have shared identifying information, even if that
is meeting, or sharing 1st names. That openness depends on the
adoptive family and the bio-parents, it can range from the bio-mom knowing
where the baby lives and visiting at the house, to pictures only shared through
the agency. That level of openness is something our agency will help us
through, to help protect everyone. Some of my co-workers who have adopted are
even Facebook friends with the bio-grandparents and bio-aunt, but have no
contact with the bio-mom. It all just depends.
Bio-Father Risk: The risk here is legal risk of the
adoption. The bio-father has different rights, even after the bio-mother has
terminated her rights after the baby is born, it is possible for 3 months (in
IN) for the bio-father to come forward and stop the adoption. Likely in this
case the baby would have been living with the adoptive family for weeks or
months by the time this all takes place. In other words, a mess in many ways. If
the bio-father comes forward after the adoption is finalized, he has no legal
rights. If we’re open to it and he is a positive influence, the agency can help
us through developing a relationship with him. In both the case of open
adoption with the bio-mother and bio-father it is a relationship, they will
change overtime, but what is most important is what is best for the child. All
the adults involved need to keep that in prospective at all times.
All of that adds into how long it will take to be matched
and placed with a baby. Over the past year or so, ASC has had an 8-10m average
wait time from becoming active to being placed, although many placements happen
within 0-3months and many were 12-14months. So, you just never know.
I think we heard “You just never know” about 100 times in
the 4 hours :-)
Is your head spinning yet? Yeah, it was a pretty jam-packed
course, but we’re so glad we took the time to start thinking through all of
this.
Next up, lots and lots of paper work before Dec 6, and the
first of the payments (which I’ll break down a little bit in a later post).
